Thursday, July 9, 2009

Look at me now! Okay, now go back to your boyfriend.

The beauty of Facebook is that it makes being creepy socially acceptable. The "suggested friend" feature enhances that, because suddenly someone you completely forgot existed (for instance, someone I went to a theater program with x years ago, or Jew camp, or something) - pops up, and suddenly I click friend and all of a sudden I can see how much weight they've gained/lost, all the colors they've dyed their hair, and if they like electroindiepopscenester music or actually are scene and don't list anything except random quotes that only true intellects, unlike me, could recognize.

So, what happens when you find your old crush? The one who is bisexual/homosexual/pansexual/never returned your interest and you thought it was because you need a nose job, but it was really because he's just not into...women? I have found a remarkable number of former crushes on Facebook, many of whom I've discovered to be in relationships with men. This shouldn't have come as a surprise to me, as I have:

1) made out with homosexuals
2) been pursued by homosexuals
3) fallen in "like" (albeit intensely) with homosexuals
4) had ill fated moderate crushes on homosexuals
5) attracted homosexuals
6) etc.

Persisting crushes I insisted were heterosexual, regardless of their skintight whiskered jeans and spiked hair and desire to grind on other men at any given opportunity. "Don't give into stereotypes!" I would tell my friends. "[Insert name here] is definitely straight!....He's just metrosexual. Or bisexual!"

But, to quote a quote I've heard before, "bisexuality is just a pit stop on the way to gay."

In fact, my only lasting romantic/flirtatious/stimulating encounter was with a guy who's brother was gay. So I was close.

This is trite, and I'm sure it's been done before, and I could go on and on about my rendevous in plural with men who like other men and the unfortunate ways I've discovered this. But when you see 'in a relationship with (insert a dude's name here)' how do you respond? Part of me wants to pray that someone opens up my recent pictures and see how I look way cuter five years later with bangs, especially with two drinks - one in each hand - yes, because I'm that girl (although I think I just couldn't decide if I wanted cabernet in a red plastic cup, or some odd concoction of peach schnapps 99 apples, vodka and Crystal light in a erd plastic cup). But he likes dudes. He's doing a dude.

Which is cool by me, I'm accepting, hell, I'm in theater, but I wanted a fabulous "look at me now!" moment!

But, who knows, he could totally appreciate how I look, just not desire it. But maybe he has no desire to even look at my page, he just accepted my friend request out of facebook courtesy. He may still remember the time I tried to persuade him into "rehearsing a comedic stage kiss in a passionate way so we'd feel really comfortable with each other on stage."

I was fifteen then.

Til next time,
small fry/THAT girl...

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